To our readers:
The bigger you get the more someone will want to take you down. In a jealous rage someone hacked our site. We recently got things working enough to post our review of “TRESPLOSHING” but have been unable to restore the graphics. Rest assured that our team of technicians (The Leek Geeks) is working round the cock to make Biggest Leeker the biggest and juiciest again.

Weird Al Yankonit, the latest celebrity to come out of the closet, is ready to release his first big gay dance album. Inspired by Adam Lambert’s “TRESPASSING”, Yankonit’s parody mocks Lambert’s obsession with sex and food. Refer often to the Urban Dictionary. Titled “TRESPLOSHING”, here are the descriptions of each track:

1. TRESPLOSHING) The title track is Yankonit calling Lambert out for continuing to say that he is “vanilla” because gay sex, as Yankonit has recently learned, is anything but “vanilla”, and is at the very least kind of a “fudge swirl.” This hand clapping, fist pumping romp will have everyone asking for some extra hot fudge.

2. COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO) This “rooster” kind of tastes like chicken once you add some hot gravy. Written about Lambert’s boyfriend Sauli Moreskinin, a huge “cock-a-doodle-doo” sung in unison, penetrates an otherwise dark song.

3. SHADEN) Just when you thought S&M music was all starting to sound the same, the opening of this song will have you digging out the whips and the whipped cream. This one is a hot, sticky mess.

4. NEVER FROZE OUR PIES) Written by Bruno Mars it confirms his love for pie, both fruit and cream. The apple should be eaten at room temperature while the cream should be chilled, but never frozen. Save that for the fudge swirl ice cream.

5. LICKIN’ IN) Also known as “The Lollypop Song”, it’s about Lambert and Moreskinin’s first encounter in Helsinki. There is a surprise Tootsie Roll in the middle of the song, adding to the sticky mess of this album.

6. CAKED LOVE) This is what happens when you get a little high and go home alone. The a capella solo features some new lows we’ve never heard before from Yankonit.

7. POP THAT WOK) What is sploshing without a kinky Eastern twist? Heat up the sesame oil and throw on some vegetables. The crunchy veggies are best served on a soft bed of steamed rice. This is one of the healthier selections on an album that is divided with one side being about healthy choices and the other about junk.

8. BATTER THAT I THROW ON MYSELF) If you take chocolate fudge cake and mix it with golden vanilla, you get the perfect mix, marble. Personally, I like something with a little more texture and spice. This one slips in and slips out pretty quick.

9. BROKEN ENGLISH MUFFIN) Lambert’s tale of having sex with a woman. And who would have guessed? It happened in England. You can feel the butter dripping into the tiny crevices.  This is the one song that just doesn’t fit on such a big, gay dance album.

10. WONDERWHEAT) It’s the healthiest and sexiest way to get your daily fiber to keep everything sliding nicely through the digestive track.  I would best describe this as a  big, gay mash-up of Stevie Wonder and Buckwheat.

11. ARTICHOKEHOLD) Dip it into butter and sink your teeth into this evil looking vegetable with its prickly leaves and flowering head.

12. INLAWS OF LOVE) A Christmas visit to meet the rest of the Moreskinin family inspired this song that’s all about the meat balls and other Finnish favorites.

13. RUNNIN’) This bone ass track is only found on the US release as no other country has embraced “juicing” like they have in California. The juice cleanses and gay sex go hand in hand, but we warn you though that beets and kale can leave some stains to explain

What? No leeks? They’re the perfect size and shape, crunchy and juicy. I guess we will release our own single. Leeks are so underrated.

Since proclaiming “Glitter is dead to me” Adam Lambert, season 8 runner-up on American Idol has come under fire from fans who grew to embrace his “more is more” style attitude. Just in time for the home improvement season, Lambert graces the cover of Caulk Magazine brandishing the magazine’s patented supersized caulk gun.

The featured photos are styled by Avi Yuragayman and shot by Fred “Flash” Starzabich, and shows Lambert’s changing fashion sense. He is moving away from his extreme camp style and favoring sale merchandise at Sears. Lambert bragged about purchasing 5 pair of carpenter jeans when he discovered them on the clearance rack. He also admitted to snatching two in the next size up in anticipation of packing on a few extra pounds snacking on barbeque potato chips and drinking chocolate milk.

Caulk Magazine also features the openly gay Lambert’s candid tidbits about his New York City excursion. He and boyfriend, Finnish reality star Sauli Moreskinin attended the Fashion Week runway show by The Blonds. 

Biggest Leeker obtained a statement from the Blonds expressing sadness over Lambert’s simple black ensemble at Fashion week. David and Philippe Blond also confirmed they introduced Lambert to their nephew James Blond, as a gesture of fashion hope. The Blonds told Biggest Leeker that James was a personal stylist extraordinaire and the perfect one to “slap the gay back into him.” But to date, Lambert is rejecting any attempts to rescue his fashion and is instead choosing to style himself.

The openly gay Lambert told Caulk:

“I’ve changed over the last two years after touring and seeing what my fans want. It didn’t seem to matter what I wore, what I did, what kind of songs, or even how long it took me to get my music out there. Those bitches will buy anything. So I figured, stop trying so hard to please everyone and just do whatever the fuck I want. Also, with recent legal fees, engine problems on my Ford Focus and having some things break in my house, I took to the internet, subscribed to Caulk Magazine and have vowed to follow the Aquarian mantra – Do it yourself.” 

Pictured revealing his “plumber’s crack” peeking above the band of his tighty whities, Lambert continued:
“I have no patience sitting in the lounge at the Ford dealer or waiting for a plumber or electrician. Even though I am gay, I’ve found a new level of self-confidence by learning to do cliché straight things myself. One of my proudest moments was designing synchronized dimmers on the lights throughout my house.”

And how does his upcoming album “Trespassing” play into this dichotomy?

Lambert reveals: “Well I executive produced the album myself. The title track “Trespassing” is inspired by one of my trips to Home Depot. I saw a construction site with hazard tape draped everywhere. The bright yellow popped against the dusty metal and decayed wood and it was magical, almost surreal.”

The album was originally scheduled for a Mapril release, but has now been pushed back so Lambert can “work on a new song with Bruno Mars,” as he Tweeted last week: “Bruno invited me to his house for a beer and shared his desire to close in his back porch and convert his walk-in closet into a secure vault for his rifle collection. Despite the delay for the album, I want to help Bruno with his home improvement projects. I feel it is my responsibility to share what I have learned and to inspire others.”

Asked about his upcoming concert fronting the iconic band “Queen”, Lambert admitted:

“Since this issue of Caulk premiers after April Fool’s Day, I can reveal that Queen and I staged the whole thing as a publicity stunt. In a move that may surprise some people, I am joining Kiss on stage at Sonisphere. This is an opportunity for Kiss to attract some gay fans and for me to attract more straight males. Gene Simmons and Brian May found common ground when they met at the American Idol finale and have been planning the coup ever since.”

Adam Lambert, runner-up of American Idol season 8, just announced he will reprise his performance with the iconic band Queen at this summer’s Sonisphere in Knebworth, UK. Currently, Lambert is in the UK for media promotion of his upcoming album “Trespassing”, due out sometime.

Lambert, who is openly gay, was spotted entering the office of Dr. Carl “Curlie” Bush, London’s highest profile urologist. Biggest Leeker tapped into a source who reports they overheard the statement “I think my penis is shrinking!” Our source also mentioned hearing “one-half inch (12.7mm)” but the remainder of the conversation was muffled. As Lambert exited the exam room Dr. Bush was jesting for Lambert to lay off the juicing and enjoy more ice cream.

Biggest Leeker’s coincidence radar was aroused by the most recent blog post from Lambert’s partner and Finnish reality star Sauli Moreskinin, who did not accompany Lambert on the appointment. He wrote about having part of their matching “OOFTA” tattoos altered.  The tattoos were immediately spotted on both men by fans and provided months of Twitter fodder discussing the possible meaning of the word. After a huge online survey, Tweeps voted with resounding confidence the string of letters must have something to do with Moreskinin’s reaction to first seeing Lambert’s junk.

Biggest Leeker interviewed a urologist in Los Angeles to get a professional opinion on why any male penis would shrink.  Dr. Deepan Long explained that in 98% of cases penis shrinkage is an illusion:

“Lifestyle changes can throw a man’s perception off. For instance, loss of belly fat in some patients can be quite a shock. Suddenly they can actually see their penis and it’s not as big as they remember.”

“Also, when males reach milestone birthdays like 30, 40 or 50, they focus more on potential sexual problems. TV commercials plant subliminal fears.”

 Dr. Long continued, ”Men begin to pay more attention to things like how long they can hold an erection, how long it takes them to climax or how many times they can climax. They become obsessed with statistics and bring measurement tools into the bedroom. With the release of the popular new iPackage Analyzer app for the iPhone the number of concerned patients has exploded. The new app allows the user to upload a picture of a full erection. It calculates all dimensions and returns a comparative analysis complete with pie charts and geographical density data. Most of the calls we receive are simply from patients who forgot to change their personal settings since the app converts all its calculations to US or metric. 22.9cm is 9” in the US. So it’s easy to understand why a man overseas could be alarmed or why a man in the US thinks he’s ready to be a porn star.”